Oh how I've been waiting for this!
Last week I saw the Fairly Odd Movie; Grow Up Timmy Turner Premier. But first - a little back story.
A year ago, I was surfing through these halls of Sexual Odd-Balls (Deviants) when I happened upon
's gallery. The Journal posted there contained something interesting...news about a Live Action Fairly Odd Parents movie.
I had only heard about it once before - but thought that it was a crazy dream because of 2 reasons. 1; the news that Timmy would be played by Drake Bell and 2; the news that Cosmo would be played by Jason Alexander. Why did I think that it was a dream, cause I was watching Drake and Josh and Seinfeld re-runs that night.
So, realizing that it was true, my jaw dropped. I feel the comment I left on the journal expresses how I felt about it -
"I can give one good reason why this is NOT a good idea; the Last Airbender. If Shamalan has anything to do with it, my childhood cartoons are dead."
I was sure that eventually they'd realize how dumb this idea was and would eventually scrap the picture. BUT, as the title states its the movie were Timmy finally grows up, meaning he'll have to use his fairies. Which potentially means that this movie could possibly be the series finale. It was out of curiosity that I pursued the film until it debuted. I wanted to see how they would end it, how he would loose his fairies in a heart-warming, tear-jerking way.
And now that I have seen it...I have this to say...
This was one of the WORST, SECOND RATE EXCUSES OF A TERRIBLY THOUGHT OUT, HORRIBLY WRITTEN, POORLY DIRECTED, TERRIBLY ACTED-OUT, EXCUSE FOR A CHILDHOOD RAPING THAT I EVER SAT THROUGH IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Since its been over a week, I'm assuming that anyone who reads this will have seen it by now, or if you are reading this because you've seen the movie and want someone else' opinion. But if you haven't seen the movie and desire too, turn back RIGHT NOW! If you are reading this to determine whether you should or should not see the movie, you have been warned.
I am going full on Nostalgia Critic on this Bitch!!!
The movie starts out like it shouldn't have - just a quick view of Turner's bedroom whereas it should've been a live action version of the show. I know that it sounds like a cheap excuse to complain about and seeing how the Flintstones cheaply did it. But that's not the point, you expect this to be the series finale, so you'd kind of wanted to see something like this.
As you all know Cosmo, Wanda and Poof are CGI - which I'm counting as a huge relief, as the scenes with Jason Alexander are only when they assume Human Forms. However, with them being CGI is a bit annoying as they don't look that good. If they had to be CGI then why did they have to use the forms of the Jimmy/Timmy specials? If they were going to use CGI couldn't they have at least attempted to make them look real? Like the Garfield Movie - sure the cat wasn't actually real and a bit annoying looking but he at least LOOKS like they TRIED to make him seem real. But moving on.
The film starts out with Timmy, played by Drake Bell waking up for his 22 birthday. Cosmo and Wanda give him their gift of a Birthday Pirate Battle in which pirates break into Timmy's room and he fights them off. I wish I had fairies, I always love to be put in life-threatening situations right when I wake up. Afterward, Jorgen Von Strangle, played by Mark Gibbon shows up to be an ass. -
Now Jorgen is live action, and I understand why. He's supposed to be depicted as the world's toughest fairy and even though he has the personality of Arnold Schwarzenegger, he always seemed to be the most live action fairy in the show. However, in the movie, he really does a pretty hammy performance. I don't know why but the first scene with him where he says his name really irritates me. Like he really needs to tell us that he's "Jorgen Von Strangle, the most Powerful Fairy in the Universe!"
- According to Da Rules, Timmy will loose his fairies if he grows up, moves out of his parent's house, gets a job or falls in love. But Timmy says there's no way in hell that's happening. He goes downstairs to the worst people in the world - his parents.
Now here's where I'm pretty surprised; Timmy's dad is played by the actor who actually does his voice for the show and it turned out to be the Janitor from Ned's D. Classified. Weird. But while as that character was funny and likable, this character as well as Timmy's mom just fill me with uncontrollable rage. Their gifts for Timmy are the Want Ads in the Paper and Apartment Vacancy Notices. Timmy tells his parents that he's never moving out whereas they say that they've sold the house to go on ANOTHER vacation. And doing what he should have done all his childhood, he wishes that they didn't sell the house so they can't go. Now, that might seem cruel to you, but not to me. They spent every moment of their lives making his childhood miserable. They deserve every bit of that misery back!!!
So, Timmy goes to school on a bike doing all sorts of cool trick, cause you know - he's played by Drake Bell, where he comes across one of the things that I hate MOST about this movie - Vicky, played by Devon Weigel. Yes folks, that wasn't a typo; Devon. And don't worry, the way she portrays this performance, you'd think she actually WAS a man.
Vicky is running a daycare center as she figured that now nearing her thirties no one would pay her to babysit their children. Timmy crashes into her sign and she raises hell about it. Now here's everything that is so wrong with this...The performance that this bitch gives confuses you about whether she's TRYING to sound like Vicky or not. In my opinion she shouldn't have tried at all. And why the hell is she wearing a green sweater in what appears to be in the middle of spring?! Plus, what the hell is up with her breasts? They look like spikes jutting from her chest? And BTW, Timmy flat out refers to her as Icky Vicky, he shouldn't have done that - not only would Timmy never say that to her face, but it just sounds like the script was written to play down to us, as if we couldn't figure out it was her.
So Timmy precedes to school where we get the one somewhat decent character in this movie, Denzel Crocker, played by David Lewis. Now I don't know if Lewis voices the character, but he is VERY convincing and his performance seems genuine. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't give a pretty over the top performance. But the thing is, he's playing a cartoon villain and that can be taken either way and I sort of liked it. The thing I found strange is, Timmy has gotten so damn cocky that he's making wishes right in front of people - Crocker none the less.
During School however, Jorgen shows up and tries to shoot Timmy with Love Arrows to make him fall in love but fails. So, when Timmy is out of school, he goes to the park and sees a large crowd has formed. There we are introduced to Useless Stock Character, Hugh Magnate (Steven Weber). He's a rich oil Tycoon that is about to destroy Dimmsdale Park to make an Oil Drilling Hotel, yes because a hotel with heavy machinery drilling black fossil fuel out of the ground sounds very peaceful and relaxing. However, before bulldozing the tree, a mysterious girl appears to defend it. The girl is damn hot too, so hot that Timmy probably got his first boner.
I'm just going to branch off real quick and talk about one of the other things that I hate about his movie - so far, Timmy and Vicky are so far out of character in this movie. So, while Timmy is admiring the girl's ass while hiding behind the bulldozer, we see his friends Chester and A.J. Now I wanted to see them as well as Vicky in the movie to see exactly what could be done with them. But what was done with them was actually Painful. They are completely USELESS in this movie. All they do, is stand around and mock Timmy for not having grown up. Their character is all wrong. For the one thing, perhaps AJ always flaunted his brains in front of Timmy to the point where he deserved to be shot, but Chester was always grateful to have Timmy as a friend. In fact its a fan belief that the reason Chester never got Fairy Godparents was because his friendship with Timmy made him happy. But these characters just blow, and they don't even look like who they're based on. For some reason, I felt the actor who played A.J. should've been darker skinned, this guy just looked like he had a tan. And who the hell thought it would be smart to let Chester be a Security Guard? He should've been an aspiring baseball player.
But as Magnate tries to bulldoze the tree anyway, Timmy realizes that the girl is actually Tootie. Wait! The girl was Tootie - the creepy little girl who had a crush on him as a child? And she's hot now? Okay, now, I'm a little bit okay with this, but they didn't give her anything that resembles the character she's based on. I mean, they could've kept something, maybe an article of clothing or her glasses, but no, they made her into Trixie Tang. But anyway, using magic to save her and the tree, Cosmo and Wanda realize that Timmy is falling for Tootie, oh the irony. Magnate leaves the park in humiliation when he recieves a call from Crocker. The two meet and Crocker reveals that he has actual proof of Timmy's fairies and needs funding to build a machine to catch them. Magnate agrees...stupidly.
When Timmy realizes he's falling in love, he unsuccessfully tries to avoid Tootie. Eventually they go on a date, riding through the park on a tandem bike while Chester and A.J. mock Timmy for...having a date while they don't. And Crocker and Magnate watch trying to come up with a plan while Jorgen once again fails to make Timmy fall in love. Eventually, the pair stop at a restaurant for some grub, but I don't know how Timmy will pay for it. Realizing they have to break the two up, Cosmo transforms himself and Wanda into humans. OH GOD, THIS IS IT!!!
Okay, so...seeing Jason Alexander as Cosmo wasn't as bad as it could've been. But both him and the woman playing Wanda don't have the right hairstyles. They don't even resemble the fairies they're supposed to be. Plus, hearing Jason Alexander TRY to SOUND like Cosmo is really annoying. It would've been much funnier to hear him as George Costanza or something. So, the two spill some food on Tootie in order to get her away - which is odd, because Wanda is the one instigating all of this. I know they love Timmy and he's the best Godchild they've had, but she's supposed to be the voice of reason.
But it doesn't work as Timmy wishes that Dimmsdale park is repaired so he can take Tootie there for a date. However, as he goes in to kiss her, Wanda begins crying causing Timmy to fall out of the tree. After that, Tootie is somehow is able to Bitch about him not being able to kiss her, even though he fell out of a tree. So she leaves him as Wanda and Cosmo try to celebrate. However, Timmy is too upset. In town, Tootie is kidnapped by Magnate to be used as bait for Timmy. When realizing this, Poof makes his parents realize that they shouldn't be holding Timmy back. They try to go save her when Crocker catches them in a trap. Magnate takes them all back to his secret play ground - er, I mean, Evil Layer where he locks Tootie in a cage. So a group of kids saw Tootie get kidnapped and go warn Timmy when he realizes his fairies are gone too.
Magnate uses Crocker's device to harness the fairies magic to wish for...stupid things. A bottomless ball pit, large muscles, a goofy mustache, a funny mirror, a cyborg body guard and that his henchman wore a dress. The only smart thing he did was wish that Crocker fell into the Bottomless Ball Pit. Which is what Crocker should've done. Why didn't he do this? He's been trying to get the magic for 13 years and when he finally gets it, he gives it to someone else? And Magnate is such a worthless villain. This movie should've had one of two antagonists. Crocker or Vicky and since Vicky is completely wrong, Crocker should've been the main villain.
So, racing to Magnate's building, Timmy crashes into Vicky prompting her to chase him. When suddenly he runs into Jorgen who fires another love arrow, he misses Timmy and hits Vicky, prompting her to fall in love with Jorgen instead. Damn this is dumb. So Timmy goes to Chester and AJ to help him get in. They act like assholes to him, because they have no point or purpose in this movie...SERIOUSLY!!! Not even this measures up, as they agree to help him if they wish him up girlfriends. But when they get there, Chester just reveals that there was a key under the mat before the front door. Then afterward, they leave! THAT JUST PISSES ME OFF!!!
So, Turner goes down to the evil layer where he fights the robot and rescues Tootie. But because Magnate is using the magic, Cosmo, Wanda and Poof are dying. So Timmy confesses his love for Tootie, forcing his fairies to go away. This is pathetic. The scene where they go away FOREVER, was supposed to be heart wrenching, tear jerking and emotionally scarring!!! I mean, they're leaving and he's never going to see them again. And according to the series, when they leave he's supposed to loose his memory of them. This was supposed to be a sad moment just like in Abra Catastrophe. But when this is over, it just seems completely rushed! So, Magnate is defeated and his secretary electrocutes him.
So, Timmy and Tootie kiss each other when Jorgen shows up hiding from Incredibly Horny Vicky. Jorgen says that the counsel has been talking and that they've prepared a big surprise for him. He takes the two to Fairy World where the Fairy Counsel introduces the 'Timmy Turner Loophole.' Stating that as long as Timmy agrees to NEVER make a SELFISH wish again, he can keep his fairies...that is a load of horseshit. I mean think about it. Turner has been depicted as incredibly selfish the whole series, he rarely makes wishes that don't pertain to himself, cause frankly, who wouldn't wish selfishly when they could? Plus, he gets his fairy's back THAT easily?! After the disappointment of loosing his fairies forever, he just gets them back so damn easily. I just feel cheated after that.
But basically, Timmy and Tootie begin a new business together roaming the world granting people's wishes. And then...The worst thing that I've ever seen happens...Poof Talks....I hate this part of the movie more than anything else. Poof talks in the voice of a grown black man who is saying shit that I don't understand. Why they felt they needed to have this scene in the movie is something that I'll never no. So basically the movie ends with Chester and AJ revealing that Timmy got the girlfriends after all.
So that's a Fairly Odd Movie; Grow Up Timmy Turner. Or as I like to call it, 'The Thing that Killed my Childhood.'
It is all wrong! Characters are nothing based on the source material, the acting is terrible, the story is bullshit and everything just sounds unintelligent. I mean, Timmy doesn't have to work for anything at all!!! I mean, Timmy has been Timmy's unrequited love since she was an ugly child. She ran away from home and returned as a beautiful woman who he now wants. She could've moved on by now and he had to make her fall in love with him this time. But no, that would be a SMART thing to do.
Plus, Vicky, Chester, and A.J. were completely wasted in this movie. They literally did NOTHING for the plot. The only reason that I mentioned them was so I could bitch about them. But luckily the makers of the movie realized this and re-aired the movie with over 30 minutes of it cut out. There's no Vicky, no Chester and no A.J. Whatever scenes there were in were either skipped over and replaced with an 80's Montage. Cause you know - 80's Montages are awesome...except for when the characters are eating.
So basically, Fairly Odd Fans, this movie was NOT the finale as new episodes aired that week. But if it was, and they actually consider this crap to be CANON with the series, then it would be a bad way to end it.
Thank you have a good day.